Wednesday, June 29, 2011

The Only Exception

Tossing in bed, restless...unable to sleep. My mind seethes in a turmoil of unresolved thoughts, free floating particles that jolt my neurons into a senseless jumble, signals racing across the brains in an unintelligible flurry of electricity. Recovering, still from our last fight. Our biggest fight. I want to hit myself so hard sometimes because of the things I say, and also the things I do. More specifically its the way I seem to react to things; loud, explosive, full blown, kinda like a grenade going off. I know it takes two to clap, that every one reaction has a cause to its action and that every cause has a catalyst which sets the powder keg aflame, but because this is my story and I'm telling it from my point of view, perhaps it would be best - to avoid any confusion or misintepretation - that I will only refer to my hand which did the clapping, my reaction to the action, my share of the spark which ignited the fire.

It wasn't until I was around 17 or 18 before I started believing in Karma. Growing up as a teenager in KL with pretty much everything I wanted in life it was very easy to take things for granted, very easy to forget that everything has its consequences. Its very easy, when you are young and youthful to believe that the universe really does revolve around you, that every action you make does not have a consequence or, even if it does, those consequences are ones that shall be easily bared. And so I did the things that I did and made those calls I had to make, many of which I was not proud of... until it actually starts to hit you and that's when I realised that everything has a consequence and that even I have blows that I could not bear to stand. I was torn, broken, thrown off of my throne. I had my heart torn out and broken before my eyes. But just as I was about to claim injustice, just as I was about to mope on my sad, sad fate, I realised that everything, all the terrible things that were not happening to me were in actual fact in many ways similar to the things I had inflicted upon others in the past. And it was so that I believed, in my own way, in Karma. And everytime I started to fall deathly ill, everytime I had dirty kicked in my face, everytime people shouted names after me in the hallway, or splashed my face with water, everytime I had my heart broken, I thought about all those people I've wronged, all those hearts I've broken in my callous attempts at satisfying myself, all those dreams I crushed in my unbridled climb to the top of my trade, and I remembered I was simply receiving back all that I had dished out in the past, and though it hurt, and though I sometimes cried and complained, I took it with the knowledge that I was simply paying up for all the bad karma I had sent out in the past.

And then you came along, and suddenly I knew what it was like to be with someone so patient, so understanding... someone whose been through so much and yet was so innocent to the ways of the world, and for the better part, I was happy. But I should have known that in reality, Happily never comes hand in hand with Ever After and that eventually as with any couple fights would break out, and though it probably seemed - and felt like too - the right thing to do by defending my point of view, I always felt shitty afterwards. I mean what's the point? The Universe was giving me a second chance here, and what was I doing with it? Arguing? Raising my voice? And over really petty and stupid things too which, I have no idea why, seem pretty big and important at the moment.... but you know, we're still together... stronger, probably, from all of this and I can see it now that you've been carrying a lot of the weight on your shoulders. I guess its time I finally shouldered some of it. Besides, as a wise lesbian just told me "no quarrel then no understanding on boundaries mah!"

You are the only exception,
and I'm on my way to believing.

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