I can't sleep, so I'm going to write. I turn the lights on and it disorients me... but I turn them off and there's that uneasy feeling of being trapped with no way out. So I turn the lights on, put on my shades and try to sleep. I wonder if we tan when exposed to artificial light... or if it only works with the ultra-violet rays of the sun. Speaking of Rays... I miss mine. Raymond, that is. It is one o' clock. There's work that needs to be done tomorrow. But I cannot sleep. Why is that? Thoughts, swarming inside my head like little brown moths, fluttering against the windowpane in the late evenings, begging to be let into the light. I read all about moths and their attraction to light, supposedly it is because of an innate guidance system we have, something in our little insect bodies that allow us to navigate our way through positioning of the stars and the moon. Pretty advanced aren't they, for small creatures. I feel sick. I need medicine... not sure if there's any medicine that can cure the sickness that ails me. I wonder if these thoughts can actually build up inside a person... wonder if they can actually grow, take root and multiply into more thoughts all on their own. Well I suppose, if thoughts are actually organic constructs in the human brain, that is to say that they grow like a little tree... or neuron I suppose... then perhaps they can continue to grow too unfettered, unstoppable... like one of those horrible diseases, I don't like to say it... but you know the one I'm talking about... slowly multiplying, increasing in numbers, sapping strength from the body until there is nothing left, and the body, along with all of it just die. Its a betrayal... that's what it is. A betrayal of the body. It's worse than a parasite it is! Because a parasite at least keeps the host alive. Please, release me already.... I wish somebody would release me. Don't leave me alone like this. You must promise, promise never to leave me alone...I've only got you now. I wonder if you can remove such thoughts by excising them? Just a small procedure. A little nip... nothing big you know, but just to remove the specific tree... or neuron, or whatever... just cut it off by the roots and take the whole thing out. Then perhaps they will be gone. Don't you think? And then what if I were to plant that tree into someone else? Would they have something living inside of them? Inside their heads? And invasive organism that starts to spread its tendrils into every part of the body. Subtly, of course... because that's how these things grow... until every single cell, every single nuclei has been polluted by its presence? If I were to remove that thing inside of me, which causes me so much grief... that horrible, horrible thing, and planted it into someone else... would my moths take flight there, too? Would they have an infestation of little bits of... ME? And what if the moths take over... would they become me? No matter, I learnt a new word today... it started with the letter "V"... but I can't for the life of me remember what it was. Vitriol. Votriul. Virulent. Volitle. Vuitroil...or, something. Which meant... something bad, naturally, but it was such a wonderful way of saying it. Lovely word, it was. Just rolled off the tongue. But I wonder why I haven't learnt it yet... or remembered it. Has the ground grown too barren for things to grow? Or do moths generally reject this sort of thing? I found a cage earlier. I miss Ray. I don't want to do my work. I don't want to die. I want life to be simpler. These are all things I could continue to talk about... had I the drive, but it is now twenty minutes past one, and I'm starting to grow sleepy. So there it is. Till we meet again.