Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Self Realization.

Hey ya'll

A friend said to me today, she said to me; "why [did] you stop writing your previous blog? I like that writing style. I used to be your daily reader," 

I started this blog to talk about my love for the natural world, to share with everyone else, a small piece of what I find beautiful about the other living things around us. Of course, arguably everyone can to a certain degree already appreciate that beauty, but, having seen some of the things I've seen, and having appreciated them from that angle... let's just say that I wanted to show the world more. In doing so, however, I apparently lost myself. Lost the ability to write about more intimately personal things. My thoughts. Feelings. Emotions. Everything else that I used to blog about, I have explicitly avoided here. I still wrote about life, of course. Just not mine. And indeed, it would seem as if I had stopped doing that for so long that I no longer know how. 

And so today, I began the onerous task of challenging myself, to write about myself. But writing a biography, even a short excerpt, of one's life can be more difficult than it sounds. What should I write, for instance, with regards to my experiences today, or the past week even. What can I say, about my rejection from the Disney Musical, and my unfortunate inability to attend the auditions for Splash show choir? My disappointment, surely enough. Sadness. Anger, perhaps. But more specifically what can I say about these things? I go to my old blog (the link of which shall be withheld, for various reasons) and peruse my old posts for inspiration. I start from August 15th of 2010, and scroll all the way back to October of 2008 (how time flies!!!). Nothing. In fact, what I got was scarier than nothing... it was the sudden realization that I no longer recognized the "voice" in all of those previous posts. I had memories of them, sure enough. I remember writing them, and I remember going through those experiences... but I could no longer relate to those viewpoints. No longer felt the same emotions. 

Was the Talent competition in high school really so important to me? Did it really matter that I was the star of Broadway Extraordinaire in my final year of high school but did not have any pictures to show for it because I did not own a camera back then? Did it really hurt so bad... the way Brendan betrayed my trust? It all doesn't seem to matter now. And that in turn got me thinking about my future, what I wanted to do in life. What I am GOING to do in life (and there is a difference), and for once I am stumped. I had always thought that my goals have always been very clear. But they are really not. Getting a PhD, being a stage performer, working for an environmental organization so I can be with my beloved plants and butterflies all day long... they all seem like things I can do. But are they things I really want to do, for the rest of my life?I guess in this day and age, people can have multiple identities. Multiple facets. Pretty much the same way people can have multiple Facebook or email accounts. But I guess some people are more adept to that sort of thing than others. I set out today to write a post about myself. Instead, I ended up writing about how I can no longer write in depth about myself. It is now that I will part with the small realization that dawned upon me at this precise moment. Perhaps the reason why I now write about nature and animals, and not about myself is because I know those things so well. So dear to my heart. But I no longer know myself. Can someone say First World Problem or what? (except, I live in Malaysia and we are, arguably, not (yet?) a First World country. 

"Once you're with a person, you will love them for life. What changes is that instant you got so disgusted you lost your trust and respect for that person because you're no longer in love... but that doesn't mean you don't love them [anymore]" Singing Coconut


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